The Moment You Realize you have over committed yourself trying to please everyone.
One of the most disempowering strengths I have ever developed is my ability to please everyone.
At some point in my life I decided that to be successful I needed to please everyone. And if I did I would be
wildly successful. As a pleaser, success came hard for me. I always felt that at some point
in my relationships with people that I was being used by them, giving more than receiving. I started to think that I
there was something wrong with me because for all the people I “helped” I couldn’t seem to catch a break for myself.
I became resigned because it always seemed to me that no matter how hard I tried, someone was left displeased with what I did. For example I spent many years as event host/director/planner and mobile DJ for private events. Every event I worked I felt like I failed in some way. Once a guest requested a song that was not appropriate for the event. I really wanted to play it to please them while possibly alienating or upsetting someone else in the audience. I played the song and accepted the risk. If someone complained I would try to please them. I was constantly trying to figure out what people wanted in order to give it to them before they asked. My reward was that they would tell me that it truly was what they wanted. I rarely got the reward and sometimes people got annoyed at how hard I was trying to please them.
Truth is that no one likes a pleaser. A pleaser needs constant positive affirmation and acceptance. This is because the pleaser is constantly listening for evidence that they are not any good at what they are doing. The pleaser trains others not to give them anything. The pleaser convinces them that they live to give and not receive. The pleaser is more concerned about how they appear to the other person than actually making a difference for them.
Now recognizing that you are a pleaser is nothing to resigned about as many pleasers excel in sales, entertainment and hospitality. Recognizing it is actually the “pill” of empowerment that can make all of the difference.
So, how do we manage the “pleaser” part of ourselves without giving up who we are?
A good first step is to practice listening for what matters the most to others and communicate and act on that. Practice getting a full understanding of someone else’s point of view by asking questions. Prospect: “I’m looking to have a fun event.” The Pleaser: “Speak no more and let me impress you with how I much I know about fun events.” Me: “What is fun for you? Describe an event you attended where you had the kind of fun you’re thinking about.” People will give you everything you need know to determine how you can make a difference for them if you listen for it. As you practice this you will notice that you are hearing new information and thinking less. You will notice that there is fredom in not having to figure it out and instead be a good interviewer so you are confident that you know what the other person wants.
Be proud that people matter so much to you that you want to please them and now manage the “pleaser” so you can really make a difference for them.
Let me know if this makes a difference for you?